Part 6

part6

Our journey is ending. There are only two more pieces of Hitman media to cover and… they aren’t good at all. Absolution is known to be a game that didn’t manage to satisfy the faithful fans of 47’s adventures and trust me, that game’s story is a horrible one, but there’s something worse we have to take care of before that.
“How much worse can it be than turning a super secret organization into a bloodthirsty army?”, you ask. Oh, it can. In Hitman: Damnation, an “official” prequel to Absolution published in 2012. Written by Raymond Benson of Metal Gear Solid novelization fame… or infamy. If you’ve ever heard of “Kiddieland” you might have an idea of what we’re dealing with here. If not, you’re about to find out. I’m sorry. I’m doing this so you don’t have to.
“But how bad can it be? You said the other novel was pretty good, so it’s possible to write a good Hitman book!”, you are probably screaming at me right now. And you’re right. It is possible. This isn’t an example of that. It’s absolutely character-breaking, full of dumb dialogue, new characters that don’t fit the universe, a love story and god-awful first person sections of 47’s narration. It was also supposed to bridge the gap between Blood Money and Absolution, but it doesn’t even do that. One of the first things you read in this “book” is “Twelve months later”! I really wish I had the English version of Damnation, just so I could show you the horrible dialogue. I almost wanted to buy it online, but I’m not going to pay twice for this… “book”. I can write better fanfics than this. AND THIS GOT PUBLISHED! Ugh… let’s just get this over with… Obviously, again, this is all green text, but I’m not going to destroy your eyes in addition to your mind.

Diana gets assigned a new supervisor – Benjamin Travis. Travis is an ex-military man, whose temper and behavior seem to be not-perfect for a highly secret organization such as ICA. They don’t really like each other, Diana especially doesn’t enjoy how Travis is an “unethical and dangerous asshole”. There is a mention of a lab in Chicago, a project both of them have been working on, as well as the fact that agent 47 is currently on a mission in Nepal. He’s climbing the Himalayas and the controller’s task is to notify him if any danger arises. Unfortunately for the agent, Diana cannot wait any longer and abandons him during the mission. Because that’s something Diana would totally do. She sabotages the financial accounts of the Agency and runs for her life as 47 traps himself in the avalanche that was supposed to be a way of staging an accident kill on the target.
…’Cause that’s a mistake 47 would make.

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Thankfully, the ICA Files Trailers give me something to work with, otherwise we would be screwed.

A year later, 47’s having nightmares about himself being alone in the Romanian facility. There’s someone following him though. Death. Yes, Death. He wakes up, realizes he didn’t take his painkillers for way too long now and that he’s addicted to them, but doesn’t really want to admit it. He’s stationed in Ocho Rios, Jamaica as a freelance assassin on a mission to kill Hector Corado – a fella involved in human trafficking. At least it’s not drugs this time.

Little that he knows, there’s someone watching him. A “forty-something years old”, overweight guy wearing a tie with the ICA logo aboard an Agency yacht. Benjamin Travis has been looking for 47 for a while now, but he finally manages to learn his exact location. Travis’ assistant – Jade Nguyen provides him with the latest intel and they “invite” 47 aboard the ship after another accident in which 47 gets hurt. He mentions that he doesn’t work for the Agency anymore, but Travis obviously doesn’t care. After a night of painkillers and 47 sleeping surprisingly well given that he’s onboard a yacht in the middle of the sea with a possible enemy, Benjamin Travis lies about the events that caused him to get hurt in Nepal and presents him with an assignment. A fine dinner and an exclusive ship is apparently enough to change the mind of agent 47. Yeah, I wouldn’t say so, personally.

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This is from Absolution, but it’s pretty much the same situation. Literally even Jade isn’t thrilled with your ideas.

The targets are Dana Linder – a US Senator and a presidential candidate as well as Charlie Wilkins – a famous televangelist, owner of a fast food chain and “the Church of Will”. Wilkins used to be a childhood pastor of Dana and her brother’s – Darren, who supposedly died in Iraq, but actually became a terrorist knows as Cromwell. The duo knows about that fact and actively helped him start the New Model Army. Obviously, people like that are not the best fit for the government so 47 has to sign up to the Church of Will, get close to both of them and eliminate them.

47 goes to New York, where he meets up with Cherry Jones – an FBI informer that he apparently knows for a long time now. (It’s not like there is already a good candidate for an informer you can use… Smith’s been filling up that role pretty well) The meeting is interrupted by the ex-husband of Cherry, whom 47 kills, because “he knew too much” already. Cherry sets him up with information on Dana Linder as well as some painkillers. She also tries to sell him actual hardcore drugs, but he isn’t interested.
…What?

47 prepares for his mission by scouting the terrain and taking care of the weaponry and a disguise. There’s someone following him again! It’s Death! Or… maybe he’s just delusional. He actively knows he is and the hallucinations are caused by the painkillers, but he doesn’t want to stop taking them. Because it’s logical to want to continue your drug addiction when working as a professional assassin. Maybe because of that, he disguises himself as a woman and shoots Dana Linder in public. He doesn’t even stop to look if he’s hit the target, but thankfully, he did. Since the presidential candidate is now dead, her “good friend” Charlie Wilkins decides to run a campaign himself, as revenge for Dana.

47 stops at Birdie’s to pick up some more equipment. The scene is only here to introduce Birdie as 47’s contact he doesn’t really like, but does business with anyways. The character of Birdie literally does not matter in the context of the book, but it’s a tie-in to the game, so whatever. 47 purchases some explosives and vials of poison and is on his way to Greenhill where the Church of Will is located.

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My reaction every time someone mentions this “book” isn’t actually that bad.

It seems that the Church has been popular lately, but a bald guy still manages to catch the attention of Helen McAdams – a shy, thirty-one year old woman with low self esteem and an inability to be in a relationship with a man for more than just a short time. It should be noted that she’s actually Charlie Wilkins’ personal assistant and that there were scenes she participated in beforehand, but they weren’t important. 47 gets a job as a gardener in the Church, using the name Stan Johnson and waits patiently for Travis to give him the green light to eliminate his second target. He also immediately gets fond of Helen, notices scars on her arms, pops a few pills and decides to “use Helen to get close to Wilkins”.

47 has to kill some time before that, so he spends it with Helen. She asks him if he has family or a girlfriend and he replies that he isn’t so lucky with women. He also catches a glimpse of Bruce Ashton – Wilkins’ head of security. During the night, 47 feels like his relationship with Helen is going too far (and I agree), has a nightmare in which Death is following him again, wakes up in cold sweat and takes his painkillers.

It is October when people at the Church of Will start rumors about 47 and Helen being romantically involved. 47 mentions that the relationship is a new experience for him, Helen agrees and she kisses him. He feels remorse as he continues to use her to somehow get close to Wilkins and brings her flowers from the garden. 47 also opens up to Helen about his drug addiction which magically heals him from it and Helen tells him her own story. She was at the rock bottom after her parents and sister died and her ex-boyfriend got her addicted to heroin. He attempted suicide, but was unsuccessful, so she joined the Church of Will and got magically healed. She hugs 47 and they lay in bed for a while.

Meanwhile, Travis gets a call from the “mysterious client”. The guy’s voice is distorted and he demands Travis tells him the identity of the agent who’s been assigned to his contract. Travis realizes the threat, but he still gives him the full information about 47, mentioning that he’s alive and well and that he’s already in Greenhill. He thinks about stopping the contract and getting 47 out of there, but it’s as far as he goes in the act and worries more about hoping someone catches Diana than the life of his best agent. Fucking brilliant.

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No, you can’t. Helen didn’t, as shown below. At least Jade is somewhat smart.

So, it appears that 47 isn’t done with the painkillers after all. Helen reveals to him that she’s leaving on a plane with Charlie Wilkins. She doesn’t know anything else about it, but she still feels it’s a good idea. Later, 47 is confronted by Bruce Ashton who knows his true identity, attacks him and traps him in liquid concrete… what?… Drowning in the concrete, 47’s having flashbacks to his childhood in Romania as well as another hallucination about Death trying to get him. He somehow manages to escape and again decides to give up his addiction.

47 goes after Helen, Wilkins and Ashton after getting the information about their plans from Wilkins’ aide. He then kills him by snapping his neck and pushing him of the stairs… what? The nightmares come back, but this time 47’s chased by Ashton himself as well as more Death and Diana Burnwood for some reason. Helen is now a regular in his dreams as his mind shows him the tragic events in Nepal but with Helen at his side. And he doesn’t stop taking painkillers even though he thinks he does. It’s just different painkillers.

He’s now in Cyprus, dressed as a male gypsy… what? and literally waits for Helen and Wilkins to show up, ’cause even though he has an entire secret international organization behind him, there is just no other way. He manages to kill Bruce Ashton and then has more dreams about Death. Helen wonders why her “Stan” isn’t interested in sexual intercourse. She’s actually quite worried about that… Okay, what the actual fuck?… But she hopes that it will change as he battles his addiction.
…I’m just as clueless as you are.

Wilkins, Helen and 47 all come back to Greenhill where 47 confronts Helen about being magically healed from his addiction. Helen sort of calls him out on his bullshit, she mentions being in a rehab clinic for two months, but she’s too excited to pay attention to the lack of her logic. They watch a movie and lay in bed for a while before 47 gets a message from Jade – it’s finally time to kill Charlie Wilkins.

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I dunno at this point. Have a random screenshot.

47 decides to protect Helen at all cost. He learns Wilkins’ routines and plants C4 in his office. The plan doesn’t go as well as he hopes, because Helen is awake and is just about to enter Wilkins’ office and get blown up by the explosion. Great fucking plan. There is a callback to Schubert’s Ave Maria, because of course there is, as 47 finds Wilkins in a completely different room accompanied by Cromwell and his goons. He falls into a trap… again, because that’s absolutely what a legendary assassin would do. Wilkins knows about 47, but lies to Cromwell telling him that the agent works for the CIA and president Mark Burdett and that Burdett hired 47 to kill Cromwell’s sister. Cromwell totally believes that even though it makes no sense and the politician even attended Dana’s funeral. The terrorist tortures 47 a bit, but the building explodes just in time. Helen realizes Stan is gone, stabs herself with a syringe filled with heroine… what?… and runs to Wilkins who exposes 47 to her. It breaks her heart. 47 manages to escape Greenhill and is now headed to Washington.

Travis calls 47 and being a complete fucking idiot, he doesn’t realize that even though they track the “mysterious client” back to the Church of Will, the client is actually Charlie Wilkins himself. 47 thinks a little faster than his supervisor and informs Travis of that fact. It appears that Wilkins’ set up the kill on Dana Linder to get himself elected as the president. (You would think that it’s a bit too soon to be electing the president after Blood Money did the same thing, but hey.) He also set up a hit on himself, because… I don’t even know. I literally do not know. He sort of wanted to get rid of 47 for some reason, but I just don’t know why. Please don’t make me read through this nonsense again. Travis mentions that they have almost managed to find the exact location of Diana Burnwood and 47’s worried he’ll be assigned with the task of eliminating her.

First though, he needs to take care of Wilkins. His political rally is scheduled to take place in the National Mall and it’s a perfect time to finish the job. Or it would be if not for a New Model Army terrorist attack which just happens to kill Helen, but not before she yells at 47 for lying to her and using her to get to Wilkins. I mean, at least she has a valid point this time.

Well, actually, it’s technically 47 who kills Helen after she gets wounded. He shoots her in the heart, because it’s symbolical or some shit. I mean, he could still call for help, but no. He doesn’t do that. That would be dumb, right?

47 chases Wilkins and Death is again chasing 47 (I thought he gave up painkillers). Wilkins ends up dead and 47 realizes that Death wasn’t actually Death, but himself!… what? (Is that supposed to be symbolism? That’s a crappy symbolism if that’s the case. I’ve played Silent Hill, I know symbolism!) The novel ends as Travis tasks Jade with getting in contact with 47 once again and presenting him with his new mission – killing Diana Burnwood.

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Few words about Absolution… actually, no. I’m not going to say anything about Absolution (just yet). What I’m going to do is plant this quote in your mind for the rest of the write-up –

“[Absolution] is gritty, dirty and loud, but also subtle and stylish, even lyrical at times.” – Tore Blystad, The Art of Hitman Absolution.

I have nothing against Mr. Blystad, in fact he’s worked on Contracts (credited for additional art, but still) and Blood Money (and the art direction is fantastic in that game) which is more than enough for me to like him and I’ve always enjoyed seeing him in Absolution pre-release content. I also wish him well and will definitely be following his work with Crystal Dynamics. But this quote… you’ll see what I mean!

Absolution picks up right when the novel ends. 47’s about to enter Diana’s mansion and Travis is supervising the mission. (If this is gonna go as well as the previous one then damn, we’re in for a treat!) He would send one of his teams, but he’d prefer the kill to be silent. He continuously goes on about how Diana did this to herself, but 47 is smarter than that. He gets to his target, shoots her and lets her say her final words. It seems like she was trying to protect someone. A girl from the Agency’s lab. Victoria. She asks 47 to keep her safe and not let them “turn her into him.” I’d expect more respect from 47’s controller, to be honest. It sort of feels like she’s objectifying him. She also gives him a coin. That coin has already been shown twice in the first couple of minutes, so it must be important, right? Let’s keep it in mind as we go forward.

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Also in the Attack of the Saints trailer which I like, so I’m gonna use a screenshot from it!

47 decides to leave Diana on the floor and hurries to the bedroom where he finds Victoria (probably as annoying as Resident Evil 4’s Ashley, and no, she can’t “come with us”). They escape the mansion, burn all the evidence and have a small talk during which Victoria says that Diana took her from the doctors and she was her only friend. 47 isn’t happy with what he’s done, but decides to carry out Diana’s will. He stations Victoria in an orphanage, pays for a room overlooking the building as well as gets in contact with Birdie – a “top intelligence man” that used to work for the ICA – to get information on Victoria and the Agency. The intel doesn’t come cheap as Birdie wants 47 to eliminate his business rival – the self-declared King of Chinatown.

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The “talk” I mentioned. This game could’ve ended so fast…

You know, I actually like Birdie as a character. He’s sort of Smith 2.0, but not really. You see, he’s off the wall, but not completely. He’s an intelligent man that knows what strings to pull. He’s also enjoyable to watch. If there was one thing about Absolution’s storyline that I could pat the devs on the back it would be Birdie.

In exchange for the death of the King and 47’s trusted Silverballers, Birdie lets out his birds to scout. The first piece of info is a name of the weapons and security systems manufacturer and owner of Dexter Industries – Blake Dexter. He’s apparently residing in room 899 of the Terminus Hotel. 47 has a rough night as he feels remorse for killing Diana. Memories from his childhood in the Romanian facility come back to haunt him. Torn by anger and disgust to what he is, he slashes his barcode – the symbol of being a product created only to kill. (Fuck this cutscene and everything that’s happening in it. I’m not going to go into details, but just so you know – I despise this cutscene. A lot.)

It seems like this is not a good day for a mission. 47 manages to get inside room 899, but he’s immediately attacked by Dexter’s bodyguard and a guinea pig for Dr. Ashford whom we’ll meet later – Sanchez. While he’s unconscious, Dexter kills a maid and sets Terminus on fire. (Also says this: “Yihaah! You see, I don’t ordinarily yihaah, but this! This is a fucking yihaah! Fucking Christmas!”) The police arrive at the scene. In midst of them is Cosmo Faulkner – a police detective who becomes obsessed with the figure of 47 right after this event. 47 wakes up and escapes the police. He’s now hunted not only by the Agency, but also by the law and Birdie’s his only contact. The mission isn’t a complete disaster though, as 47 learns about Dexter’s motives. His assistant – Layla Stockton mentions that Victoria is almost like something he would create in his own lab. It doesn’t seem like Dexter is a nice guy – he wants to capture Victoria and demand ransom for her which is obviously something 47 needs to prevent.

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Set pieces are all right though. I really enjoy the art direction in the first half of Absolution.

Birds say that Dexter hired a whole squad of men to get to Victoria. The main threat is Edward Wade and his people, but we also get to know Dexter’s son – Lenny ‘Limp-Dick’ of the Hope Cougars. (This game is subtle, stylish and lyrical, said Tore Blystad…). Wade’s contact is Dom Osmond, the owner of Vixen Club, whom 47 is now on the way to eliminate. It should be noted that Osmond’s death will greatly benefit Birdie himself. 47 recognizes that the alliance is fragile and he must thread carefully.

He accomplishes the goal as well as kills thugs that are searching for Birdie only to find out that his contact betrayed him, took away his precious weaponry and gave Victoria’s location to Wade. 47 comes back to Rosewood where the nun informs him that Victoria’s sick and barely even breathing. The latch of her necklace got damaged, but it’s fixed now and Victoria is magically healed! Things are not going as smoothly as 47 would want though. Rosewood Orphanage is under attack from Wade’s men. They trap 47 and Victoria in an elevator as they shoot up everybody to get to the girl. 47 heads to the basement to get the power running again and kill Wade along the way. Edward Wade dies (“Why do I have wood?”… c’mon now…), but Lenny grabs Victoria before 47 can react… somehow. I swear, she’s lying on the floor right next to Wade! His only lead now is Hope in South Dakota.

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If there’s one wish I could have for the next game is more David Bateson whispering in the mic, please. It’s almost ASMR inducing.

Birdie’s got problems of his own. Dexter and Sanchez catch up to him and “ask nicely” about 47, the Agency and Jade. Birdie spills the beans, but isn’t as thrilled about the encounter. The Hope duo isn’t the only ones that knows about where 47 is headed though. Birdie also strikes a deal with Benjamin Travis and that guy is straight up excited about the possibility of catching the agent and sends in “the Saints”!

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This is how the Saints looked like before this dumb costume idea. You know, I could actually get behind that!

The Saints are a group of Agency operatives that dress up in nun costumes and go kill people. ‘Cause no-one expects nuns to just come out and go on a murder spree. That’s pretty much it. The idea is, obviously, Benjamin Travis’, but it seems like the ICA didn’t like it as much as he did as shown in this message from the Saints ICA Files Trailer.

You’d think I’d be furious about the Saints. It seems like everyone else was at the time and myself, being a woman (if you didn’t knew that already, you know now) would find it absolutely disgusting that women are straight up objectified and shown as sexual toys in this game. I’m not. I’m mad that they don’t fit the theme, they look completely ridiculous and they even dare to claim that 47 is their “inspiration”. No, he isn’t! If he was, you wouldn’t dress like a slut and kill people with rocket launchers! That’s sort of the opposite of what 47 does!

Meanwhile, 47 reaches his destination – a bar called The Great Balls of Fire. I never thought I’d get to hear this phrase coming out of 47’s mouth… He learns from the bartender that Lenny’s favorite place to be is a barbershop, so it’s also obviously where 47 has to be as well. But first there is a more important matter to take care of. Birdie sold the precious Silverballers to a gun shop. The owner of said gun shop offers to just give away the unique custom silenced high tech weaponry to a random guy that has just walked in if he outshoots a girl in a tournament. That’s not the only way, since 47 can just take them, but either way the beautiful Silverballers are back in 47’s hands as he learns why Birdie brought this to his attention.

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Lenny isn’t as dumb as everyone around him seem to think. He took Victoria to sell her to the highest bidder himself without the interference of his father. 47 knows this. He eliminates major figures of the Hope Cougars before getting to Lenny and when he does, they have a little talk. Victoria is at the factory. The Death Factory! With Sanchez, no less. There is also a mention of Lenny hurting some nuns… interesting. Lenny is screwed no matter what, so 47 heads to Dexter Industries to have a talk with Mr. Dexter himself.

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47’s eating an apple! Holy crap, I thought he was running on pure air! Seriously though, this scene is fantastic.

But Dexter already knows that his son has been kidnapped. He yells at Layla to call Jade and negotiate the price for the girl. His assistant also contacts sheriff Clive Skurky who is currently having some fun ugh… and tells him about the accident.

Meanwhile, 47 infiltrates Dexter Industries and makes his way into the Death Factory itself, where Dr. Ashford (I told you we’re going to meet that fella soon enough) conducts his experiments. Exploding pigs seems to be a way to go and our doctor, who is now also 47’s target can join those piggies. Either way, he is dead.

47 feels quite overwhelmed just thinking about children being used as weapons, but is filled with determination to end this once and for all. Down in the R&D department he finds Ashford’s records on Victoria as well as Sanchez. Let’s start with our buddy Sanchez. Apparently, in 1986 he was a test subject for an experimental X-9 serum. His muscles increased by 160%, but he started to show signs of gigantism as a side effect of the hormonal imbalances caused by the serum. All of that should add up to “don’t mess with that guy”, but unfortunately, 47 doesn’t have a choice. As for Victoria – she’s apparently almost perfect as a human being, but there’s no details involved as Ashford is still waiting for the analysis of her DNA sample (Well, he’s not waiting now, cause he’s dead! Ha!). He also mentions Dr. Ort-Meyer and the first time I’ve played this game I actually got a bit excited, but this is literally THE ONLY TIME it happens, so we should also just leave it at that. 47 destroys Ashford’s research and moves on to deal with Sanchez.

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Need atmospheric places? Absolution’s got ya covered!… sometimes. When it wants to.

The hit on Sanchez proves to be quite difficult as he’s currently taking part in a wresting fight. Even though we’ve just heard that he’s a super-soldier, 47 can take him head on or (if you’re like me and hate QTEs) by staging an accident. Victoria’s not with Sanchez though, so 47 decides to stop in a nearby motel. There, he asks for a “non-festive, brown” drink and it is enough to start a huge discussion about his choices of foods and drinks in the community. Anyway, the Waikiki Inn is attacked by the Saints leaving the building in a state that might as well suggest a nuke has been dropped right on top of it (I thought the Agency was a super secret organization, that’s hardly super secret if things like that happen). Thankfully, 47 manages to escape, kill the Saints and learn that Travis is just slightly angry.

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I dig that trailer, alright?

Possibly scrapped plot point here – the ICA Saints Trailer for Absolution clearly states that the leader of the Saints – Lasandra Dixon – is still alive after that. In a coma, yes, but alive. Think of that what you want.

A lot of things happen next – Cosmo Faulkner is feeding his obsession with “the Hitman” and gets a note from Birdie telling him to go to Blackwater Park. Travis and Jade leave the ICA yacht to get to Hope and 47 is currently looking for Clive Skurky, because apparently Victoria is with him. (I’m not certain how 47 knows about it, but he’s sure of it.)

This doesn’t go as well as 47 would like. It seems like leading him to the basement was something Skurky’s planned all along and 47 falls into the trap (’cause that’s something a legendary assassin would do). Victoria’s here too. And Dexter. Him and 47 meet eye to eye, but Dexter just beats 47 up a bit. Doesn’t kill him even though he knows 47 most likely killed his son. No, that would make too much sense. Instead, he reminds him that it’s the necklace that magically heals Victoria and without it, she can’t even move an arm. Victoria gets recaptured, Skurky beats up 47 some more. Still doesn’t kill him. Because killing a legend wouldn’t bring you any fame or money or anything. It’s worthless. Just leave him. It’s not like he’ll escape. Or wait…

47 escapes the basement, but Skurky’s already on the run. It also appears that Travis sent out an entire army to get to 47! The Agency now has an army! Sure! (He could really just call Layla and tell her to bring 47 to him as well as Victoria since they’ve already caught 47, but that would be too smart and as we’ve seen, Travis isn’t the brightest of people.) 47 needs to navigate the streets of Hope during what really is a not-so-super-secret terrorist attack. He finds Skurky in a church. The sheriff tells 47 to fuck himself, but that’s not enough, so he gives him Victoria’s current location – Blackwater Park in Chicago. Ave Maria plays (because of course it does) as Skurky dies and 47 is too badass to look at explosions.

All of this is getting way too out of character for my liking, so excuse my horrible sarcastic-wannabe remarks as we’re getting into the last act of the game.

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This is how I felt realizing how dumb this game has become when I first played it.

Before taking on Blackwater Park, 47 has to suit up. He stops by at (completely filled with Blood Money references) Tommy Clemenza’s tailor shop. Tom appears to have some sort of impaired vision, but he still recognizes 47. They go way back (do they? That’s the first time I’m hearing of him and I think I proved that I would know if it was any different. In fact, 47 has always enjoyed Italian suits, as mentioned by Diana Burnwood in one of Blood Money trailers.) The new suit has invisible stitches, silk linings and other improvements over the old one and 47 seems to be satisfied. He leaves the shop to meet the rest of the cast in Blackwater Park.

Blake Dexter and Layla Stockton are already on the roof waiting for the other duo of “big mean guy” and “girl assistant”. (The characters in this game are so diverse that the actual Polish localization team didn’t see the difference and at one point the guy that dubs Dexter reads Travis’ lines. I’m not even joking! Thankfully, that version is bad and I’m not playing it ever. I tried out of shear curiosity. Didn’t get far.) The dialogue is absolutely fantastic this time.

Dexter: Hey there, fuckface.
Travis: Alright, dickhead, where’s the girl?

Truly lyrical. Dexter recognizes Travis as an idiot and plays with him for a while pretending to kill Victoria in front of him when he actually shoots one of the Saints that went missing somewhere in between the Attack of the Saints trailer and the actual Attack of the Saints mission (one of them died beforehand, so she doesn’t count). He wants 10 million for the girl, but again, Travis is too hotheaded to even get permission from the higher ups. Or so he claims. He still gives Dexter the payment anyway and Dexter reveals that he didn’t really want to give Victoria to Travis. He’ll “let him know where to find her” later. Jade reacts to that by saying “You gave that psychopath our money just like that?”. Thank you! Finally someone else realizes Travis is an idiot!

It appears that Blackwater Park is where Dexter’s penthouse is located at. Before getting to him, 47 has to kill Layla because… he just does, OK? He also has to find the panic room, which is the only way to the roof for some reason. My architect friend would like to have a word with people who designed this building.

Layla gets eliminated. 47 hears her phone calling. It’s Dexter. They’re leaving. With the girl. Dexter being a pig that he is informs Victoria about her being born in a lab and she reacts to that fact pretty violently. (You know, I’d like someone to dub this cutscene in a way that suggests that Dexter informs Victoria that Santa doesn’t exist.) Victoria has a cool, really nicely choreographed scene in which she kills all of Dexter’s goons, but not Dexter himself, because… the player has to do something? No idea. I can’t really feel sorry for Victoria anyway, she’s annoying, we never really see her in game, her story isn’t detailed and the only thing we get is “she’s sort of 47, but not really”. She also has a magical necklace, but I kind of grew out of that way back when. Forget me, though, 47 has to kill Dexter now and get Victoria back. And he does it by going up to the roof where there’s fog everywhere!

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Same here, buddy! Fog, no HUD, time limit, guards everywhere, mines, cover-based stealth game. I have no idea how this got approved. Yes, it’s a nice set piece, but holy crap, it’s annoying, especially on Purist!

Dexter is planning to destroy the entire building if Layla isn’t back. And I’m pretty sure she’s not coming back, so 47 has to hurry. There’s nothing complicated here, he gets to Dexter, kills him, finds Victoria. She hugs him. Classic storyline. The guy rescues the girl. The end.

Or is it?!

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You’re not sorry. It’s not safe. It’s not OK.

It isn’t, because Diana also asked 47 to kill Benjamin Travis himself. That “unethical and dangerous asshole”! That can be arranged and for some reason 47 now doesn’t want to think of him as a target, because this is personalwhat?

Travis and Jade as well as the Agency’s goons are in Cornwall, England where the Burnwood family tomb is located. From their conversation which 47 hears somehow?… (honestly, it might be just the player that listens to that conversation, but I’d say 47’s also able to hear it because it’s funnier that way to point out the stupidity of the situation) it seems like they are not exactly sure if Diana is really dead. And it took them 6 months to come to that conclusion. First, 47 wants to eliminate Jade. He is sure that she wants to claim Travis’ position after he’s killed… what? Where did you get that info? They are literally talking right now about Travis lying about the entire operation to the Agency and Jade being against that! I would say she’d be on your side, Mr. Legendary Assassin!

If that wasn’t clear, the story sort of falls apart here. It was falling apart already, but not that drastically. (Have you noticed I didn’t mention Travis’ mechanical hand at all? That’s cause the game isn’t mentioning it either! In the Benjamin Travis ICA Files Trailer, we can see 47 being the one shooting Travis in the hand. That would explain why Travis wants him dead. But it’s never EVER mentioned in game. You’re just supposed to deal with the fact that he has a mechanical hand. There are plot holes everywhere, HUGE BITS of this game seem to be missing.)

Jade dies, because 47 says so and Travis remains. He’s deployed a bunch of old guys around him though and calls them the Praetorians… sure. Their thing is that they are similar to each other and therefore can confuse people… what? They are no match for 47 though as he kills them and then Travis.

Before dying, Travis asks Mr. “Big Bald Fuck” if Diana is actually dead and he replies with an out of character line – “You will never know.” – and shoots him.

The end!

Oh wait, no. It isn’t.

‘Cause Diana’s not actually dead! Surprise! Wait, what?! How is she not dead?! Wait a second. 47 confirmed the kill. She was lying on the floor. Let’s just overanalyze something a little bit before we end.

If 47 did shoot her, he would know if she was dead or not. He’s a silent assassin, a legend, a ghost, whatever you want to call him. HE WOULD KNOW. He’s kinda killed people before.

If he knew that he didn’t kill her, this memory wouldn’t haunt him. He would know she’s alive. Also the entire letter bullshit wouldn’t need to happen. If they both knew, there’s no point in that plot point.

47 confirmed the kill, right? So what? He made a mistake? They were alone in that bathroom. It’s not like he was in a hurry. If they did strike a deal right there and then than he would know and wouldn’t be bothered. Does that make sense? Does it make sense more than this game?

It doesn’t make sense. In the end, 47 knows Diana is alive and sees Victoria as she throws away her magical necklace and somehow still can stand on her two feet… what? Wasn’t the entire point of this game that she can’t?

The end.

Oh wait, no. It isn’t. Again.

Because we need to set up the sequel in which Cosmo Faulkner goes after 47, because Birdie told him to. Birdie’s a sneaky bastard and I like him. But I don’t think this is gonna happen.

The end.

…Fucking finally.
Oh yeah, and remember that coin I told you to keep in mind? There’s nothing to it. Literally worthless.

EPILOGUE ->

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